A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won’t be at the performance."

How do you get an oboist to play an A flat?

Take the batteries out of their electric tuner

What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek?

Star Trek could actually happen one day

Oboe players spend a third of the time fixing their reeds, one third complaining about their reeds, and the other third blaming their reeds for all mistakes possible!

How can you tell if a 747 loaded with flute players has just landed?

The jet engines stop but the whining continues.

How do you put a sparkle in a flautists eye?

Shine a torch in their ear

You hardly ever see a flautist take a breath because they have a vast supply of air in their heads.

What is the best way to make music with a flute?

Hit a drum with it.

(Submitted by Edwin Hird)

What's the definition of "nerd"?

Someone who owns an alto clarinet

What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Why aren't there very many alto clarinet jokes?

Most people have better things to do with their time

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up a clarinet

It seems that a certain symphony orchestra was preparing to rehearse one day. When the personnel manager came onto the stage, he noticed that all three of the oboe players were hanging upside down above the stage area. "Hey, what are you guys doing up there," he demanded. The principal oboist replied, "We're light bulbs!" "No you're not," responded the personnel manager, "What you are is FIRED!" "Now, get down from there and get out of here!" The oboists complied, and as they were leaving, the three bassoonists got up and started following them off stage. "Wait a minute," called the personnel manager, "now where do you guys think you are going?" The principal bassoonist turned to him and said, "Do you expect us to play here with no light on the stage?!"

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?

Bassoons are more fun to jump on

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer

What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

Its little wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution when so much of it has passed through saxophones.

A guy was walking through a forest, when a fairy suddenly appeared before him and offered him one wish. So he took out a pocket atlas and pointed towards different continents: "See, here, is suffering, there, is hunger, and over there people are tortured. I want all people to be free and healthy! Can you do that?" The fairy sighed and said "Well this is very hard, even for me. Is there a chance that you can come up with another wish instead that is a little easier?" The guy answered "As a matter of fact there is. See I play soprano saxophone, and I have a problem with the getting the intonation right in the upper register. Do you think you could..." "Okay, okay let's have a look at your atlas once more"

What's the range of a piccolo?

About 20 yards on a good day

A young Scotsman left his home in Scotland to study at an English university. After a month, his mother came to visit him in the halls of residence where he was living with other students. "How do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother" he replied "They're such noisy people! The one in the room on that side keeps banging his head on the wall all night, and the one in the room on this side screams all night long." "Donald, how do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?" "I ignore them. I just my own business and keep playing my bagpipes.

What should you do if you have all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?

Leave them there

What's the difference between bagpipes and an onion?

"It makes you cry when you cut up an onion"

How can you tell if a bagpipe is playing out of tune?

Someone is blowing into it.

How can you recognise a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

He can throw a set into the middle of a pond, and not hit any of the ducks

What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?

You can tune a lawnmower, and the neighbours are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it

What's the definition of a gentleman?

Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe, but doesn't.

Why did the bagpiper go mad at the drummer?

He moved a drone, and wouldn't tell him which one

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end it would be a good idea.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the sound

Why do they call it a 'kilt'?

Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt

What's the one thing you never hear people say?

Oh, that's the bagpipe player's porsche.

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”

Why do violinists have handkerchiefs under their chins when they play?

Because there's no spit valve

The violinist was called before the judge in court. "Say" said the judge "haven't I seen you somewhere before?" "That's right" said the violinist hopefully "I gave your child violin lessons!" "Ah yes" the judge replied. "Twenty years!"

What's the difference between a clarinet, a flute and a violin? - With the clarinet the air comes out of the player's mouth and through the clarinet, with the flute the air comes out of the player's mouth and over the mouthpiece, but with the violin the air goes in one ear and out the other.

Why are there so many violinists in an orchestra?

Because the conductor wants someone to play the right notes

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

1- The viola burns longer, 2- The viola holds more beer, 3- You can tune the violin.

Two years ago an orchestra was on tour in France. One evening they decided to go find some snails so they could have escargot for dinner. Everybody was given a bag and send into the vineyards.

Gradually everybody came back with their bags filled with snails. All sections were there except the violists, who returned several hours later. The concertmaster asked, "Where have you been for so long and why are your bags empty?"

"Well," they said, "I don't know how you managed, but It was a disaster. We saw a lot of snails, but they were quick! Just as we went to get them, rush...and they were gone!"

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.

What's the range of a viola?

About 20 yards with a good arm.

When is a viola out of tune?

When the bow is moving.

How do you get three viola players to play in perfect harmony?

Shoot two of them.

On a flight recently, a frend of mine decided to strike up a conversation with the person beside him.

"I've got a great viola joke," he began. "Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know that I am a violist," replied his neighbour.

"That's okay, I'll tell it real slow."

A Cellist and Violist were in the park when they decided to start throwing stones at the floor, The violist missed! (submitted by Alisdair Parker)

A violist and a percussionist were walking in a park. The percussionist saw a dead crow and said to the violist, "Look, a dead crow."

The violist looked up and asked, "Where?"

How are a violist's fingers the same as a bolt of lightening?

Neither strike in the same place twice

(submitted by Laurelie Wade)

A noted bon vivant and comic was recently flying to Berlin. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great violist joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a violist".

"That's OK. I'll tell it real slow!"

When "Oetzi," the famous glacier-mummy, was found in the Alps, archeologists and anthropologists were mystified by the riddle of "Oetzi's" nature, the chief question being: "How did he get under the ice-fields?" Thanks to a joint venture operation by leading music-anthropologists the mystery has found its solution: "Oetzi" must have been a violist. How else could the glacier have caught up with him?

Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer, Eric Coates, said:

"All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player."

How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola?

Divide the metronome marking by 2

What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub?

Vegetable soup

What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?

Vibrato

We all know that a viola is better than a violin because it burns longer. But why does it burn longer?

It's usually still in the case.

What are the requirements for the 2nd round of the International Viola Competition?

Holding the viola by memory.

If a Cellist plays a Cello, and a Violinist plays a violin, who plays a viola?

An idiot.

The entertainment chairman of the local Elks club is looking for a band for New Years Eve. Not knowing where to turn he asks his neighbour, a Viola player. The Viola player puts together a pretty good dance combo for the gig, and a good time is had by all. At the end of the night, the entertainment chairman tells the Viola player how much everyone enjoyed the band. “If you’re available” he says, “We’d love to have you for our New Years party next year too.” The Viola player checks his date book. “Its OK, I'm available” he says. “Listen, would it be OK if I left my instrument here until then?”

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him so he proved it by playing one.

A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?” The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said “Sure.” The violist guessed “You have 287 sheep,” to the shepherd’s astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and asked “Can I pick out my sheep now?” and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then got an idea and asked “If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back?” The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed “You’re a violist, aren’t you?” The violist was very surprised and asked, “How did you know?” The shepherd responded, “Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it.”

Why do viola players smile when they play?

Because ignorance is bliss, and what they don't know can't hurt them

How do you make a viola player do vibrato?

Write a semi-breve and put "SOLO" over it.

Why are violin jokes so short?

So viola players can understand them.

One day, the conductor of an orchestra became seriously ill, so a viola player was asked to take over the role. Much to everyone's surprise, everything worked without a hitch, and the orchestra sounded great! So for the next concert they fired the old conductor and let the viola player do it. It was fantastic! they got rave reviews, went on numerous world tours and became the most famous orchestra in history. Then one day the viola player told the manager that he would like to go back to playing, and wondered if they could hire a new conductor. So, the viola player went back to his seat, where his desk partner quickly asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"

Conductor: Again from bar five please

Voice from back of viola section: But Maestro, we have no bar numbers.

Johnny comes home from school and says to his Mum "Mummy, I learned the alphabet today! the rest of the class messed up around F, but I made it all the way through!" Johnny's Mum says "Very good son, that's because you are a viola player." Johnny comes home the next day and screams "Mummy, Mummy, I counted to a hundred today! Everyone else couldn't get past sixty but I made it all the way to one hundred. And his Mummy says "Excellent, that's because your a viola player. The next day Johnny comes says "Mummy, the teacher measured everyone's height today in class, and I was taller than everyone else, is that because I'm a viola player?" His Mum shakes her head and says gently "No dear, that's because you're twenty-six."

Why did the viola player walk right past the tavern, without even thinking about going inside?

Because he thought it was a vile inn.

A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It reads viola left hand, bow right.

A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, ‘You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last--the one that started with a long trill" The pianist said, "Huh? I didn’t play any pieces that started with trills," The viola player said, "You know--[hums the opening bars of Fur Elise.]"

A violist is sitting in the front row crying hysterically. The conductor asks him what's wrong. The violist answers 'The 2nd oboe loosened one of my pegs'. The conductor says 'Well, that does seem a bit childish, but it's nothing to get so upset about, why are you crying?' To which the violist replies, 'He won't tell me which one.'

What's the difference between Alto clef and classic Greek manuscript?

Some Viola players can actually read Greek

Why did Alto clef originate?

Bach took a bribe from a wealthy viola player

Why do viola players have pea-sized brains?

Because alcohol has swelled them.

What's the similarity between the Beatles and the Viola section of the Royal Philharmonic orchestra?

Neither has played together since 1970.

A viola player and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help" cried the 'cellist, "I can't swim!" "Don't worry" said the viola player, "just fake it."

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?

They think that they are carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?

Write, "pp, espressivo"

Why are the intervals in concerts only twenty-minutes long?

So the cellists don't have to be retrained

How do you get a 'cello section to play in tune?

Tell them that the key signature has eight sharps.

How do make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

Why is a 'cello better than a violin?

You get about 20 minutes more heat from the fire

Why don't double basses ever play in tune?

Because if they did the whole orchestra wouldn't be able to play from shock!

(submitted by Ali)

Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?

Even a virus has some pride (submitted by C. Gallivan)

A double-bass player walks into a rehearsal very late, and the conductor asks "Would like some time to tune?" "No thanks" he replied, "all the strings are the same tension, their is no need to tune." Dumbfounded, the leader of the violas stands up and shouts at the stupid double-bass player: :You idiot, the strings don't have to be the same tension for you to be in tune... all the pegs have to be at the same level and direction!"

How do you get a double bass player off your doorstep?

Pay for the pizza

How do you make a double bass sound in tune?

Chop it up and make it into a xylophone

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" "Why" the bass player replied with some surprise, "isn't it the same as last year?"

Harp players spend half their time tuning their instrument, and the other half playing out of tune.

How long does a harp stay in tune?

About 20 minutes... or until someone opens a door.

How do you make a guitar sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a CD player

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a guitar?

A chicken that makes music when you pluck it.

What are the two most frequently occurring lies used by electric guitarists?

1) I am not too loud!
2) I have turned it down already!

What do a vacuum cleaner, and an electric guitar have in common?

When you plug them in they suck.

How do you make a rock guitarist play more quietly?

Put a sheet of music in front of them

How do you make them stop?

Put notes on it.

As a birthday gift a father decided to get his son a bass guitar and some lessons. After the first lesson the boy’s father asked him how his lesson went: “It went great Dad, I learned to play on the first 5 frets on the top string!” The father applauded his son’s efforts. The next week his father asked about the second lesson: “It was great Dad, today I learned to play the first 5 frets on the second string!” His father once again applauded his son. The next week his father again asked about his lesson: “I canceled it....I had a gig!”

An explorer was traveling through the wilds of deepest, darkest Africa with a few native porters and guides. Far off in the distance, he hears drums pounding. Well, the explorer is naturally concerned, so he consults his guides. They reassure him, “There is nothing to worry about. When the drums stop, it’s time to worry.” This didn’t make him feel much better, but he kept going. Gradually the drums got louder and he asked his guide again. “When the drums stop, it’s time to worry” was the response he got again. Eventually the drums got so loud, the explorer would have sworn that they were right next to him. Then all of a sudden, they stopped, and all the porters and guides lay on the ground with their arms covering their heads. With a trembling voice, he asked his guide what would happen now. With an equally trembling voice, the guide answered, “When the drums stop, the electric bass guitar solo starts”.

Shortly before a band began to play, they discovered their electric bass player was missing. After a short search, the guitar player found him in the back alley beating the heck out of some guy...

Guitar player: Sam, what are you doing?

Bass player: This guy de-tuned one of my strings

Guitar player: Why are you beating him up?

Bass player: He won't tell me which one.

Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?

Even a virus has some pride

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo tunes?

By their names of course

What is the difference between a trampoline and a banjo?

"You must take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline"

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?

Lost

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?

Will the defendant please rise?

What is the fastest way to tune a banjo?

With wire cutters.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?

One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; and the other is a bird.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?

A visitor.

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?

A flame-thrower.

You are lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?

You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?

They make great anchors.

What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune ?

Their colour of course.

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"

"Yes, of course...."

"Great, I never could before ....."

Why does everyone pick on banjo players?

Because it's so easy !!

Banjos are to music as Spam is to food!!

How many strings does a banjo have?

Five too many.

No matter how much you tune it - it will still sound like a banjo !!

What is the loudest noise on the beach?

A banjo player and a seagull fighting over a fish.

Why don't banjo players get any mail?

Because they can't read notes !!

How can a banjo player make money?

Hang out your "Pay or I Play" sign !!

How can you make a million bucks as a banjo player?

Start with two million !!

A banjo player was so poor that he could not afford lessons so his friends chipped in and got him banjo lessons for his birthday. They sent the greatest banjo teacher that ever lived to his house. The teacher knocked on the door and the guy answered. "I'm here to give you Super Playing Abilities !" said the banjo teacher. "I'll take the soup, I haven't had dinner yet ..." said the banjo player. [Soup or Playing Abilities]

How can you get six banjo players to play in harmony?

Only give one of them a banjo.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a banjo player?

1. a chicken that can pluck itself
2. a banjo omelet
3. finger pickin good
4. a chicken that delivers itself in a Dominoes pizza delivery uniform
5. a joke that won't fly

A well-known tabloid reporter went to the Annual Banjo Joke Convention to report on it for her newspaper. Part of the convention was a joke competition. The first comedian came out and said "Number 57". The crowd burst out laughing.

The next comedian walked on stage and said "36". A round of laughter gripped the audience. Some of the people around the reporter even fell out of their chairs. Another one came out and said "42". The chuckling lasted for minutes.

The confused reporter turned to the person seated next to her and said "I don't get it. Why are they just saying numbers?"

The guy replied "Well, we know all the jokes by numbers, so all the competitors have to do is give the number."

The next banjo player came out and said "Number 103". Silence. Not even a guffaw...

The reporter asked "what happened?"

"Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."

The next comedian came out and said "Number 254". The audience erupted with raucous laughter. More hysterics than any of the previous comedians.

The reporter asked frantically "what happened?! What happened?!"

The banjo player could barely get the words out, he was laughing so much it hurt - "that was a joke we'd never heard before..."

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What did the professional trumpet player say when he got to his job?

"Would you like fries with that?

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trumpet player's car?

Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof

A conductor says to the trumpeters "Guys I need you to play with more dynamics" to which the reply came "But boss, that's already as loud as we can play"

Why does a trumpet have three valves?

Because they can't count to four.

How do trumpeters greet each other?

Hello, I'm better than you!

Why did the drummer break the car window?

Because the trumpet player was stuck inside!

How do you know if a playground belongs to a trombonist's kid?

He can't use the slide, and he doesn't know how to swing!

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?

"Year-At-A-Glance."

What do trombone players use for birth control?

"Their personality"

What did Captain Picard say when he entered a jazz club and saw a trombonist on stage?

"Computer: End program!"

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road, and a dead country singer in the road?

The country singer might have been on the way to a recording session.

How do you get a trombone player to play fff?

Write mp on the part.

What does a trombonist say at his night job?

"Would you like fries with that?"

What do you call a guy who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't?

A gentleman.

How can you trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as they play it?

How does a trombone teacher charge for lessons?

On a sliding scale

What do you say when you meet a bass trombone player who can improvise?

1. "Need... Wa... Wah... Water... (thud)"
2. "They’re coming to take me away, ha ha!"
3. "Maybe that was one too many beers."
4. "How long will your tenor be in the shop?"
5. "I must be dead, but is this heaven or hell?"

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?

On or off

What do you clean your sousaphone with?

With a tuba toothpaste

What do you fix it with?

A tuba glue.

What do you get if you cross a mouse with a tuba?

A low squeak!

These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen!

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.

Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.

"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to drummers for our experiments?” “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?” Well, for three reasons. First, we found that drummers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and third, there are some things even a rat won’t do. There is one drawback, however”. “What’s that?” “Sometimes it’s hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”

Two girls are walking along when they hear... “Psst! Down here!” They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, “Hey, if you kiss me I’ll turn into a world famous drummer and make you both rich and famous!” The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, “What did you do that for?” The first replied, “I’m not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous drummer any day!"

A guy walks into a shop. “You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC3O amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?” “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” “Duh, yeah. How’d you know?” “This is a travel agency.”

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.” The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.

What did the drummer say to the singer?

Do you want me to count this in too fast or too slow?

How can you tell if the floor is level?

The drummer has drool running evenly out of each side of his mouth.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?

Drool.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?

He had to break the window in order to get the drummer out!

One day, Johnny said to his mother "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." To this his mother replied "But Johnny, you can't do both"

Did you hear about the drummer who could play a steady beat?

Me neither.

A drummer, sick of all the jokes about percussionists, decides to change his instrument and after some thought he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music shop and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions please" The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says 'All our accordions are over there" After careful consideration the drummer says "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The owner looks at him strangely and replies "You're a drummer, right?" The drummer is amazed and says "How did you know?" "Because Sir, the 'big red one in the corner' is the radiator"

Why did the drummer break the car window?

Because the trumpet player was stuck inside!

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?

Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine?

A flat miner

"Today," said the professor, "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen."

Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "If there's one thing I can't stand it's an organ recital!"

Why was the piano invented?

So that the musician would have a place to put his beer

"I can't reach the brakes on this piano!"

Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?

They never struck in the same place twice.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?

A flat major

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

"One of the greatest stories ever told: the great romance between the piano and the octopus"

The piano player went into a bar but kept fidgeting so much that he could not enjoy his drink. Finally the bartender asked him what was wrong. The piano player replied, "My keys! I can't seem to find my keys!"

You can tune a piano, but can you tuna fish.

Yes you can, you simply adjust its scales

Having a slow day?

You sound board

Why do pianos get so many headaches?

Because their strings are under so much tension.

Why was the piano laughing?

Because someone was tickling it's ivories

Why do party goers love the inside of a piano?

Because that's where the action is

What has 88 keys but no locks?

A piano

What has 3 legs, 52 teeth and loves to make music?

A baby grand piano.

"I went to a concert once where the pianist was so bad that Mr. Steinway himself came down and personally erased his name off the piano."

What's the difference between an accordion and a lawn-mower?

If you put them on the shopping channel, you could sell the lawn-mower.

What's an accordion good for?

Learning how to fold maps

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public.

• Violinist: 25 feet
• Bad Violinist: 50 feet
• Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
• 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
• Accordionist: 60 miles.

How is a soprano different from a sewer rat?

Some people actually like sewer rats

A soprano and an alto fall off a cliff. Which one will reach the bottom first?

The alto. The soprano will stop half way to ask for directions.

(submitted by Alex Hird)

What is the difference between a soprano and a cobra?

One is deadly poisonous and the other is a reptile

How do you tell if a tenor is dead?

The wine bottle is still full, and the comics haven't been touched.

How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?

Shine a torch in her ear

What's the difference between a soprano and a Jaguar?

Most musicians have never been in a Jaguar

What's the difference between a soprano and a drink machine?

With the drink machine you might get a Hi-C.

What's the difference between a snobbish soprano and a snobbish tenor?

Two octaves

How do you know when there is a female vocalist at the door?

She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

How do you know that it's the lead singer knocking at your front door?

You open the door and she still doesn't know when to come in.

How can you tell if there is a backup singer at your door?

You can't. They never know when to come in.

What's the difference between a lead singer and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What's the inscription on a dead blues singer's tombstone?

"I didn't wake up this Morning..."

What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?

The tennis final has more men

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?

On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.